On Friday morning, both my wife and I had the day off of work, and we briefly left our house for the gym around 9:15am to lift weights for 30 minutes.

Upon driving up to the house returning from the gym, everything seemed normal. But then when I turned the front door key, to our utter horror, the entire interior of the house was filled with smoke so thick we could barely see, with no fire alarms going off, and all of the windows closed. We bolted into action. The pets were nowhere to be found. Fortunately everyone was alive and ok, other than some smoke inhalation and vomiting, but we didn’t know that right away.

I’ll always take shit happening over tragedy happening.

Without thinking, we carelessly left a wooden cutting board on our electric, smoothtop stove. It was thoroughly charred, and still in flames when we came rushing in. One or both of the dogs had jumped on the stove when we were gone, to get some blueberries and maybe remnants of tuna, and hit the front facing stove knob to turn it on. We suspect it was Cici, the flat coated retriever. Both dogs have been notorious for counter surfing, and Sage constantly finds non-food items like plastic parts or shoes that she’ll chew up, which we’re usually good about putting in closets.

We were so fucking lucky we came home not a moment later than we did. The fucked up part was the smoke detectors we bought on Amazon a while ago didn’t even go off. What the fuck? That made me angry. One star review on those! Time for a Whole Foods return and refund, and anything short of that, channeling my “I’m quite displeased, and would like to speak to your manager,” vibes. While I prefer not to be, I know how to be a polite, yet firm “Karen” when the situation truly warrants it. Think of your stereotypical Canadian academic when mistreated and angry. I grew up in Lake Oswego after all!

Back to what happened: in an adrenaline-fueled panic, I covered my face with my thin dri-fit running shirt, which did little to filter carcinogens in the air. I didn’t even realize how bad my smoke inhalation was until much later when I could feel this novel, irritated pain in my trachea and bronchial tubes. I probably inhaled 100 cigarettes worth of carcinogens in 10 min. Fortunately, being a marathon runner and a non-smoker helped my already stronger-than-average lungs have optimal resilience and recovery capacity.

I immediately opened every window and ran through the garage to the electrical box to turn off the kitchen range circuit, which took 15 seconds longer than it should, as I couldn’t see well, and had belongings in the way, but I found it. Fortunately, we had a fire extinguisher right by the fridge. My wife had the wherewithal to know how to use it in seconds from her safety training as a pipefitter. I had the intuitive, but profoundly stupid idea of spraying down the stove with water, since it was a wood fire, rather than an oil or chemical fire. But it still could have been very dangerous, since the glass surface cracks from rapid changes in high temps, and has electrical components underneath. I later learned that if you are dealing with oils, gasoline, lithium battery, electrical, or other chemical-induced fires, never use water.

With the fire chemically extinguished, and all of the windows open, and the back sliding glass door open, we searched for all 3 cats and 2 dogs. Turns out Sage was hiding in the master closet, and resisted me rescuing her out of understandable terror. But I grabbed her anyway, reassured her as I carried her down and outside of the house. I knew every second counted. Cici appeared out of nowhere during the process, presumably going outside instinctually, and the cats were found behind the couches, clothes, or in the cat tree.

Once the fire was put out and everyone was rescued, we were all just stunned, and traumatized. We felt this intense mix of guilt for being so stupid and careless, and also gratitude that everyone was alive and we came back when we did.

I hate it when my home, yard, or my car is a total shitshow of a mess, maybe more than most. This weekend definitely overwhelmed me. Sure, my car has a few dings and scratches on it, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I probably do have some level of undiagnosed OCD though, since it just bugs me. Maybe it’s the inability to find things. Maybe it’s the realization of how much more there is to do before I can have some leisure time.

Sometimes I wish I was the chill and laid-back hippie I’d like to be, but when it comes to extreme clutter, grime, hoarding, or messes that are going to take hours or literally all day to fix–I’m admittedly as uptight and rigid as it gets. I just have a hard time relaxing. I’d love to someday be able to live comfortably below my means, and hire help with deep cleaning and/or yard upkeep.

Unfortunately, the stovetop was cracked and permanently damaged. It would have been equally expensive to repair it as to buy a replacement one (with knobs on the back) so we bought a new one. We spent the weekend deep cleaning, scrubbing walls and ceilings, washing dishes, re-washing clothes and bedding that had just been washed. Fortunately it was a wood fire, so the house smelled like a natural campfire rather than melted plastic or something highly synthetic, but it still wasn’t good. It’s gotten better each day though.

The whole thing came at bad timing financially with a lot of expensive necessities happening. My parents have generously helped helped front the cost of the new stove, and painting the house, if needed. Fortunately my in-laws and parents have helped with bringing food. My sister-in-law helped scrub the couches.

The lesson from all of this is obviously to never leave anything on the stove, especially if you have dogs, take off the stove knobs, and unplug dryers and toasters. Clean everything out periodically, so nothing is a fire hazard. Keep two fire extinguishers, and one in the kitchen. Keep a clear path to the electrical, water, and gas shutoffs. It could mean life or death.

It’s a good reminder to everyone to think about your home in the exact same way a firefighter or fire marshall would. If you haven’t done so already, that’s awesome! If not, I urge you to do so as soon as you can.